dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
