Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
