There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
