so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize