Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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