and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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