shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Someone came in the potted fern
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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