Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
why is half of my head shaved?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
