it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
