what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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