The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
