I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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