Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
