I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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