i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
