I think I died a long time ago.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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