One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
