Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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