Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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