Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
