his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
