Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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