Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
