i love accidental penises.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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