he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
