Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
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