I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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