If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
