he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
