Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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