At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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