he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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