my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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