They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
