A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
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I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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