If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
His nipple licking is glorious
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