but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
