i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
