Your favorite bartender is back from prision
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
