he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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