All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I am full of burrito and curiosity
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
