My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
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