Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
