I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
