Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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