when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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