Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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