If that was your dad, he is hot
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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