Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
