I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
