I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
How does one acquire holy water?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
