He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Randomize
