There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
We left an ass print on the piano.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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