Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
