I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
