I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
