I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
