also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
We were destined to go to rehab together
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
