hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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