I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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