I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
