Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
