This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
