i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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