i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
